Southern Pines, NC
Local Police report 26 men experienced a violent panda attack early Thursday morning in downtown Southern Pines. Details of the event remain scarce, as witnesses refuse to testify. However, early reports suggest the Panda utilized some combination of wide-arm merkins and monkey humpers to inflict the most damage. Please be aware, Panda remains at large and armed with another fully-loaded Q.
If you see the Panda, do not engage.
Submitted for Immediate Publication: F3 Commissioner Sprocket